I told myself I wasn’t going to write about this. I wasn’t going to share the hurt and heartbreak that we’ve been going through. Honestly, for as long as I could remember I didn’t think that I wanted a child. I have never been particularly drawn to children. I think they are adorable and I love buying gifts for them. It wasn’t until I actually had the amazing experience of being a god mother that really hit home for me. I love those two little boys more than anything. When my husband and I decided that we wanted a baby I thought we might have to try for a few months but ultimately we’d have a baby just like everyone else. However, one, two and finally three years past and our baby never came. Casey had testing done when he had Testicular Cancer in 2009 and we knew that everything was normal with him. It was my turn to get checked out.
We went back to the fertility doctor. She is very positive about our situation. After running some tests we were given the go ahead to try our first IUI ( intrauterine insemination). We were so very excited. The doctors told us it was all about the power of positive thinking. We let ourselves hope with all our hearts. I stopped using “if” we have children, and started using “when” again. We patiently (okay probably not patiently) waited out the two weeks agonizing over every symptom I was feeling and wondering whether or not the procedure worked.
We debated and debated over whether we would tell others. Casey didn’t want to tell anyone because he wanted it to be a surprise but I felt so much joy I had to tell my family. You know how that goes, before I knew it, almost everyone in my family and extended family knew. We were all praying that this would finally be our blessing. Last week we found out it didn’t work. At first, I wasn’t that upset. I think I was just telling myself that maybe it was a fluke and the test was wrong. But a few days later I found myself crying, with the most empty hollow feeling inside. My fragile hope had shattered and I desperately tried to put the pieces of it back together. We talked with the doctor and she wants us to proceed with our second IUI. I’ve begun taking the fertility medication once again and we will go for the procedure on March 5th. I still am not sure how to feel about it. I am still excited but ultimately wary. Of course, I still want a baby of our own more anything but I’m also scared of my heart shattering into a million pieces again. Having to tell everyone the procedure didn’t work was the hardest part. Everyone was so excited for us. I thought I may not tell anyone about the second try. That way if it didn’t work I wouldn’t have to tell anyone. But, ultimately I needed to shed the emotional burden of having to carry this secret. We suffer from infertility. It’s hard to see other people with their beautiful little children. It’s hard to see photographers posting maternity sessions on Facebook, it’s hard not to be jealous of the teen moms who had their babies on an accident. I find myself unfollowing and unfriending people on Pinterest and Facebook because it’s too hard to look at everything we want but haven’t been blessed with. It’s hard not to question why. Why us?
However, after all that we’ve been through we know this is just one more obstacle that we must overcome. This is our story so far.