I told myself I wasn’t going to write about this. I wasn’t going to share the hurt and heartbreak that we’ve been going through. Honestly, for as long as I could remember I didn’t think that I wanted a child. I have never been particularly drawn to children. I think they are adorable and I love buying gifts for them. It wasn’t until I actually had the amazing experience of being a god mother that really hit home for me. I love those two little boys more than anything. When my husband and I decided that we wanted a baby I thought we might have to try for a few months but ultimately we’d have a baby just like everyone else. However, one, two and finally three years past and our baby never came. Casey had testing done when he had Testicular Cancer in 2009 and we knew that everything was normal with him. It was my turn to get checked out.
We went back to the fertility doctor. She is very positive about our situation. After running some tests we were given the go ahead to try our first IUI ( intrauterine insemination). We were so very excited. The doctors told us it was all about the power of positive thinking. We let ourselves hope with all our hearts. I stopped using “if” we have children, and started using “when” again. We patiently (okay probably not patiently) waited out the two weeks agonizing over every symptom I was feeling and wondering whether or not the procedure worked.
We debated and debated over whether we would tell others. Casey didn’t want to tell anyone because he wanted it to be a surprise but I felt so much joy I had to tell my family. You know how that goes, before I knew it, almost everyone in my family and extended family knew. We were all praying that this would finally be our blessing. Last week we found out it didn’t work. At first, I wasn’t that upset. I think I was just telling myself that maybe it was a fluke and the test was wrong. But a few days later I found myself crying, with the most empty hollow feeling inside. My fragile hope had shattered and I desperately tried to put the pieces of it back together. We talked with the doctor and she wants us to proceed with our second IUI. I’ve begun taking the fertility medication once again and we will go for the procedure on March 5th. I still am not sure how to feel about it. I am still excited but ultimately wary. Of course, I still want a baby of our own more anything but I’m also scared of my heart shattering into a million pieces again. Having to tell everyone the procedure didn’t work was the hardest part. Everyone was so excited for us. I thought I may not tell anyone about the second try. That way if it didn’t work I wouldn’t have to tell anyone. But, ultimately I needed to shed the emotional burden of having to carry this secret. We suffer from infertility. It’s hard to see other people with their beautiful little children. It’s hard to see photographers posting maternity sessions on Facebook, it’s hard not to be jealous of the teen moms who had their babies on an accident. I find myself unfollowing and unfriending people on Pinterest and Facebook because it’s too hard to look at everything we want but haven’t been blessed with. It’s hard not to question why. Why us?
However, after all that we’ve been through we know this is just one more obstacle that we must overcome. This is our story so far.
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
You are in my heart. I am not in your exact situation and yet one that is very similar. *hug*
We’ll keep you and Casey in our prayers. It took us a long time to have Oliver and wasn’t as easy as all the unintended pregnancies and TV would have us believe. Keep up the faith; you’ll get there!
No more stressing honey we’ll get there
You and Casey are in my prayers. My sister went through IVF, and after several procedures, gave birth to my niece and nephew. It’s a trying process, but your time will come.
I know I also posted on twitter but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts. Some of my dearest friends struggled infertility for years (all with beautiful happy ending that include babies). I can’t imagine the heartache. A good fried who struggled said she loved the Cinderella quote that says even miracles take time. May your miracle come sooner rather than later. Much love and virtual hugs
Wow, I am so, so sorry. I’ll definitely be thinking positive thoughts for the both of you
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since the summer but it just hasn’t happened yet. It is heartbreaking to see everyone with their adorable babies and I am always stuck here thinking, why not us? Why don’t we have that? It’s really hard to want something so bad and not get it. You’re not alone.
I was sent into a bit of an emotional spiral just the other day when a friend announced her pregnancy on Facebook. I had just talked with my husband about putting off trying until I’ve run the half marathon I’m going to do in January. But the familiar ache of wanting and trying so hard for a baby came rushing back to me when I read that status. This is so hard.
xoxo
Ash
I just found your blog while looking for weight loss blogs. Your before/after pics are inspiring!
Thank you for being public with your process. I’ve just started my own journey to lose 100 lbs and people like you have encouraged me to do it out in front of everyone, which will hopefully help with accountability. Thanks again!
Thinking of you *hugs*
Well, you have lots of love and hugs and support and prayers around you. That’s wonderful. Add me to that list.
Hi Jenn,
I know exactly how you feel. It took us 3 years to get pregnant. We were diagnosed with “unexplained” infertility. Hang in there and like your doctor said remain positive. It’s the ONLY thing that kept me sane. I will keep you and Casey in my prayers, if you ever want to chat give me a call. I will FB private message you my number. HUGS!