These are some pictures from my first attempt at losing weight. It was bittersweet going through these photos and being proud of what I accomplished but absolutely devastated and humiliated that I gained it all back PLUS 30lbs. This time it has to be different. I started the first phase of having weight loss surgery yesterday by going to hospital for lots of different tests. Depending on the results of these tests, and my psychiatric evaluation in a few weeks will depend on the next steps. I have to admit going to see another shrink is not my idea of a good time. I get really emotional talking about my weight. It’s been a constant struggle in my life. When I let go of it and try to be happy with who I am I gain tremendous amounts of weight very quickly. In a little less two years, I gained over 100lbs. Now, I’m miserable and having some pretty serious joint issues that’s making any kind of activity difficult. I know the physical part of this journey will not be the hurdle for me. It’s the emotional. I equate food with every possible emotion. I’ve trained my mind to think that the cure for my depression is food. In particular, cupcakes. They make me happy when I see the beautiful little sugary treats. They are cute,  but most importantly taste delicious. However, after speaking with the nutritionist it’s quite possible, I won’t be able to eat them AT ALL after the surgery. And, secretly, I’m hoping I won’t. I hope they make me throw up. I have to learn how to deal with my emotions without turning to food. I obviously don’t have the tools to do that yet but I am slowly learning. Every day isn’t a celebration and I can celebrate amazing things that happen without making it about food.

I know this is in no way a get out of the fat jail free card. There’s going to be a lot  of tough road ahead of me and many many days spent in therapy but I’m ready to embrace this change and I will be changing my habits for good this time. I want to get out there and ride bikes, walk 5k’s and feel happy again because I’m pushing my body and realizing how strong I am. Weight loss surgery won’t make me happy by itself, I will make myself happy by putting in the hard work and reaping it’s rewards.

I printed out a few of these photos and put them on my desk at work to remind myself where I was, and where I am going in the future. Healthy and Happy.